I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
People in love make me want to vomit
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
