Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We got so high we made milksteak
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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