I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
