no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
