i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
