i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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