I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
