I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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