does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
