bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
