You can't special order awesome
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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