my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
