I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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