We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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