Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
