Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
