Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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