If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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