Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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