I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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