We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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