Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just high enough for therapy.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
