My hand turned me down
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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