We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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