I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
