dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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