Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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