i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
