Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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