my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
