4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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