She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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