I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
