Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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