I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
