Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
