I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
