some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
