He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dick very happy bro
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
