I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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