Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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