Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
