she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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