The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
