my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
