Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
