Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
