My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
