Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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