omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
