I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
