So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
