I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
