I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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