Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
