farters have to be the big spoon...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
