Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
