finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
They took my balls.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
